After hearing about dark suckers I found this on the web, couldn't
resist the laugh - enjoy.
DARKNESS, BE GONE (Revised April, 1990)
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted a substance
or energy called light. Recent information, however, has proven
otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light - they suck dark. Thus we
call these bulbs dark suckers. In addition to proving this fact, the
Dark Sucker Theory also presents a number of other basic theorems
concerning the properties of dark. For example, the speed of dark is
greater than that of light, and dark has greater mass than light.
The basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the
dark suckers, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a
parking lot have much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As
with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of
dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a
full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has
a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns
black, representing the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold
a pencil next to the wick on an operating candle, the tip will turn
black, because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these dark suckers have a very limited range. There are
also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these units can't handle all of
the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before the portable dark sucker can operate again. If you break open one
of these filled canisters, one will see that there is indeed a great
quanity of stored dark on the inside.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass passing through another mass will generate a certain amount of
heat. It is commonly known that an operating dark sucker generates heat.
The dark suckers with the greatest capacities force the dark to travel
through the impeding mediums at greater rates of speed, so they develop
greater amounts of heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch a operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special problem. Though the light does not
have to travel through a solid substance like the glass forming an
electric bulb, the dark must travel into the solid wick, instead of a
void as is found inside of the bulb. As we all know, this process
generates a great amount of heat. In fact, flammable items which come
into contact with an operating candle will be set on fire because of the
amount of heat generated. Thus, it can be even more dangerous to touch a
Further proof of dark's mass is illustrated by the smoke generated by
inefficient or extinguished candles. The intermediate state of dark
during its destruction is a visible soot or smoke. Once again, casual
observers will attempt to refute the mass of darkness since smoke
generally rises. The same physical laws which allow clouds to float,
when water is heavier than air, cause smoke to rise. In an uncleaned
area, it is easy to note the "rain" of soot which accumulates on
Though many are not aware of the incredible technology behind candles,
they illustrate another one of the many characteristics of dark.
Consider the fact that dark suckers absorb and store light. At first
glance, it may seem that this fact is a childish myth since an operating
candle eventually diminishes to nothing. Proponents of this argument
fail to realize that the candle is actually destroying the dark which it
sucks! Why then, does a room full of dark not become empty of dark after
a while? Simple, dark is capable of regenerating itself. It is important
to note that the speed of regeneration is proportional to the volume of
dark already present. For example, in a closet where the volume is
small, the candle will be able to suck dark faster than the dark
reproduces itself. In a huge cavern, however, a candle will not be able
to keep up, thus we need dark suckers with greater capacities when we
use them in large spaces.
Further support for the destruction of dark is illustrated by the
previous reference to dark storage units. Though most inexpensive
storage units will get full, and therefore become useless, the higher
priced ones can be attached to a charger which empties the canister by
destroying the dark inside. The canister is then able to be used again.
Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface of a
lake, you will see a lot of light. As you swim deeper and deeper, you
notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of
approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the
heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light
floats to the top. This immense power of dark can be utilized to man's
advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of
lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help
push dark to the oceans, where it can be safely stored. Prior to
turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and
lakes to the oceans. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to
solve it. When on a river in a canoe, traveling the same direction as
the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of
dark; but when they traveled against the dark, they paddled quickly, so
as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we can and must prove that dark is faster than light. If you
were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed dark closet
then slowly open the closed door, you would see the light slowly enter
the closet; but since the dark is so fast you are not be able to see the
dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier. So, the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember
that it is a indeed a dark sucker.
Check out http://www.cs.nmt.edu/~reality/texts/suckdark.html
Regards to all,
-- Applied Rapid Technologies Corporation 265 Cambridge Street, Suite 100 Fredericksburg, Virginia 22405 (540) 371-1100 / (540) 371-4100 fax Web Page URL: http://www.artcorp.com
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